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(no subject) [Jul. 26th, 2005|01:36 pm]
[mood |gloomyhelpless.]

I hate this feeling that i'm feeling...and it's not the hangover, but that doesn't help either.

UGH!!! :( :( :(
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(no subject) [Jul. 25th, 2005|08:02 pm]
[mood |sadsad]

I typed out an entry and deleted it. I guess the bottom line was that i'm extremely mopey for every reason in the world and no reason at all and I just want to cry...and probably will. I want to talk to victor...right now. I want to see him...right now. I just want to have him here...right now, and forever. and I can't, and he can't.

I think I need to let out a big scream. and have a good cry. and have a release. I need a release.

BLEH. :(
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(no subject) [Jul. 24th, 2005|03:09 pm]
[mood |thankfulthankful]

I've been trying to figure out in my head....when the time is that being away from Victor is going to get easier and less and less sad when I lay down to sleep and remember he's not going to be there when I wake up. I've been trying to figure it out in my head so I can look forward to a time when I can count the days until we can be together, instead of counting the days that we've been apart...or better yet, lose track of the time, and days, and months, and years altogether, and just be content in knowing that we will be together in the end have that thought pull me through. Sure i'm dreading all of the nights that i'm going to cry myself to sleep missing him, or wish he was there to hug me when i've had a bad day, or give me a hug when i've accomplished something, and vice versa, and everything that goes along with not having your loved one by your side...the person who gives you life, and takes your breathe away at the same time...but I feel as though, without those bad days, I could never truly appreciate everything that we've shared thus far, and everything that we have yet to share...and I think about that...and i'm okay.

I guess I haven't really figured anything out. And I don't know when and/or if this situation will ever even feel "easy". I guess the one thing I do know is that I love Victor with all of my heart and I will continue to support his life choices while he is in the Navy. The Navy stole him away from me, but I DO believe everything happens for a reason...and when we learn that there really is a reason for everything, and can truly accept that, then the beauty is to just remain blissfully happy. ..and I couldn't be happier knowing that I've found the love of my life.
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(no subject) [Jul. 18th, 2005|12:29 pm]
[mood |anxiousanxious]

Today is my day off and aside from awaiting a packgage from Victor today, I'd much rather be working. I'm ridiculously bored and everyone is either working, out of town, or not calling me. I could roam around and try to drag someone with me but i'd just end up impulsively spending money, and in the moment it's all fine and dandy, but at the end of the day I usually regret it.

Blah blah blah. I want to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Maybe buy a good book and/or a good cd. Those are probably the only things I want to spend money on in the immediate future. If I had a reliable car i'd want to go to San Francisco, but alas, I don't.

Off to find something to do.
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(no subject) [Jul. 16th, 2005|02:36 pm]
[mood |lonelylonely]

I've had such a hard time focusing today. I feel like I just want to lay in bed, sleep all day, and cry into my pillow and for no reason at all. I just feel really emotional and on edge. Today sucks and last night wasn't any better. I couldn't sleep at all last night and I was even tired. I laid in bed till 3am with my music on and when that got unbearable I dragged myself and my blanket downstairs and fell asleep on the living room couch an hour later. I don't know, I just feel really lonely...and even though Victor and I talk everyday, sometimes even 2 or 3 times a day, whenever night falls I feel extremely alone and restless.

Bleh and Blah.

I need a hug.
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(no subject) [Jul. 13th, 2005|12:26 am]
[mood |tiredtired]

I miss my Victor muchly. Very muchly. Ugh. :(
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(no subject) [Jul. 10th, 2005|09:50 am]
[mood |chipperchipper]

Last night was absolutely fabulous. I got a really nice buzz without going too overboard (I hope). I got to hangout with all my favoritest starbucks friends in the whole wide world, and meet and greet and make drunkenly fun conversation with many many others. I got to hangout with Mark and Tom after over a year and I miss those kids and wish I got to hang out with them more often. I got a Boa from someone at the party named Matt who was a friend of Mark and Tom's who helped me walk back to the party after walking them to their car (which, now that I think about it soberly, i'm quite curious as to why he had one in his car). Got to dance those wonderful carbs off on the dance floor (aka Carl's living room). Smoked Swisher Sweets which is always good times when you're buzzed. Went to a club only to get in, go to the bathroom, and pretty much get kicked out because it was 2 am and it was closing. Went to an after party to walk in, go to the bathroom, and then leave because it was lame and we were hungry. Waited in the Taco Bell drive thru for a HALF HOUR because apparently everyone else was drunk and hungry too. Got driven home...and smiled as I was going to sleep because I DIDN'T THROW UP and didn't need anyone to take care of me and hold back my hair and THAT is a feat in itself.


P.s. I <3 Victor and i'm pretty sure I let everyone at the party know that :)
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(no subject) [Jul. 7th, 2005|11:11 pm]
[mood |happyhappy]

So....I got the Assistant Manager position! Of all the interviews, my District Manager said that I was the best one and that I "WOWed" him with my professionalism, knowledge,and confidence. My manager said they talked about me a lot when they had their meeting and that it is extremely hard to wow him and the team of panel interviewers so to be able to have "blown them away" was such a feat. A tentative store before the interview was going to be maybe the Century Center Starbucks on Oakdale road, but since that is in the district over, he said he didn't want to lose me to a different district...SOO I could be managering it up anywhere between Sonora and Turlock. So watch out for me :)

In other news I sent out a care package to Victor today...for fear that he might be able to hop online this weekend before his package arrives and see this post, I won't say what I sent but suffice to say I know he's going to love it or at least love and appreciate the thoughtfulness :) I <3 you Sweetheart! :)
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(no subject) [Jul. 5th, 2005|11:06 am]
So my family made the 4th this huge event this being the first 4th of July in the new house, it being JJ's first 4th, and everyone being able to attend...

except ME.

Where was I? I was working from 3-11:30pm. Was it busy? NO. Did they let me close early or even give me that option? NO. They didn't even bring us any fireworks. All I wanted was a sparkler...or something. Some sort of flashy light thingy to hypnotize me out of the bad mood I was in for the good first half of my shift. All I got to see through drive-thru window were a few illegal fireworks being set off every so often throughout the night. All 3 of us girls just mopingly sat or stood by the drive-thru window and would wait for some sort of something to light up the air all night. It was really sad. I'm trying to remember how many people came in between probably 6-11pm and i'm pretty sure I could count them on my hands. Oh well, it's all over now, i'm not bitter anymore and at least now I can be happy that I got paid time and a half to do nothing.

I also "cheated" on my diet last night. Now normally this would be like a traumatizing thing for me....i'd be mad at the world and mad at myself, but i'm okay with it. I'm okay with it and I think that's showing how much i'm really able to control this diet of mine. In the past i'd have these planned cheat days and it would be like an all day binge pretty much and it'd be so hard to go back on the diet and sometimes take me a good 3-4 days to get back on. Not anymore. I was good all day not giving in to all this junk food at work and when I came home I had some Lumpia and a couple cookies and i'd never been happier. I didn't binge, and I ate just enough to make me full and thoroughly happy. I deserve it. And today is a new day and I feel no need to eat all of the leftover goodies in the fridge and freezer and cabinets. I'm just gonna eat my low carb cereal, take a run, and go to work.

I think i'm really coming into my own and i'm really starting to feel confident and be proud of myself. I'm taking care of business at work. I might find out today if I got the promotion. (cross your fingers!) I'm sticking to my diet and exercise. Which by the way if anyone is wondering, i did a weigh in and i've lost 25 pounds since the end of April and gained a lot of happiness and willpower along the way. (Go me? :) ) I have a wonderful family and boyfriend who are supportive and I am forever grateful for that. I have so many wonderful things to look forward to in my career as i'm gaining all my confidence, I have all this willpower to stick to this diet for the sole purpose of proving to MYSELF that I can do it and I WILL do it, I have a wonderful family that is forever giving and understanding, and I have a wonderful life to look forward to in the future in all that I WILL have accomplished and have my boyfriend be there in the end to enjoy it all with me :)

<3 you all!

...and, i'm off!
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(no subject) [Jul. 1st, 2005|06:47 pm]
[mood |lovedloved]

I <3 my Victor because he calls me before my interview to wish me good luck, after my interview to see how it went, after my nap to bring me more smiles and laughs, and is going to call me before he goes to bed to say goodnight and he loves me. He's the best boyfriend ever and MYYY most favoritest person ever :) Even though he's so so far away he's gotta know how much I love him and miss him and think about him with every feel of the engravement on the inside of his ring as he fidgets with it :)

Thank you for all your encouragement and support :) I Love You Sweetheart <3
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